“I really need to talk,” one student said to me over the phone. We met at a good BBQ place and, for the first couple of minutes, caught up on life. Then he fell silent.
After an intense and awkward pause, he spoke.
“I can’t tell you what I need to tell you. But I’ve written it down for you.”
He pulled a letter out of his jacket pocket, put it on the table, and slid it across to me. I unfolded it and began to read. On page after page, he described his four-year battle with same-sex attraction.
Imagine yourself in that moment. Imagine the importance of your time together. What will you say? How will you respond?
Let me offer some initial, first steps we can take together.
Listen and Learn
If you’re anything like me, when students come and talk about their struggles, you want to do something about it quickly. And our desire to help is certainly good! Unfortunately, this fix-it-quick attitude tends to ignore students as complex people with unique stories. Human complexity puts a check on swift, fix-it-quick methods and attitudes.
What helps us take students’ complexity and uniqueness seriously is when we pause, listen, and learn from them as fellow strugglers on this journey. Let’s begin by asking questions of our students rather than trying to simply fix their broken situation. Where are they in their lives right now? How has their struggle with same-sex attraction affected their lives in the past? How has it affected their lives in the present? How can we best support them and walk with them now?
You might begin by asking this simple question: “What has life been like for you as you’ve struggled?”
Along with learning from them, we also want to be realistic with our students about what life is going to be like on this side of things. Because we live in a world that is increasingly hostile to Christian beliefs, an affirming LGBTQ community will look like home, especially when the church has done such a poor job in this area. But we also want to help same-sex attracted students see that following Christ is now, and will be in the future, truly life-giving. It’s a hard sell, but we must reveal the tension.
We also want to give our students the ultimate, realistic goal of life: holiness and Christ-likeness, not heterosexuality. God never promises heterosexual desires to the exclusively same-sex attracted person. God wants us to seek Him above all things, even if He might leave those same-sex desires in place to drive us to Himself. Pursuing Christ above a simple, 180-degree change of desires is hard to grasp, but it makes Christ, not heterosexuality, the goal of our pursuit of holiness.
Give Them a Vocabulary for the Christian Life
Along with this realistic view of the Christian life, we must give same-sex attracted students a vocabulary for following Christ. This life is lived in daily faith, repentance, and love (Mark 1:15; Matthew 22:36-40); we must daily reorient our trust around the person of Christ, daily turn from our sins to follow Him, and daily love others by serving them. How can we practically help our students engage in these practices? The key is detailed, practical measures, not lofty goals.
Help Them Grow in Community
We must let students know that they have a community in Christ’s Church. Oftentimes, same-sex attracted students struggle to grow in openness and community because of the intense, prison-like nature of shame, other people’s judging gazes, and the church’s unwillingness to talk about these sensitive topics.
Part of our job in ministering to our students who wrestle in this way is to help them, over time, open up about their temptations, sufferings, and sins to other godly people and find life in godly community. This doesn’t have to happen right away. But as you meet with this student, instilling within them the grace of God and the identity he has in Jesus, we should be helping him to identify other people in whom he can confide, encouraging him to let in more and more light into his life. We should also help them see that, we, in fact, will be committed to loving, discipling, and walking alongside them in this journey. In other words, helping students grow in community begins by embodying community personally with them.
Help Them Grow in Love and Ministry
Same-sex attracted students, like the rest of us, have been given gifts to contribute to the building up of the Body of Christ. Let’s help them discover, develop, and use those gifts in love and ministry, helping them to cultivate their God-given uniqueness to build up the Kingdom. We need to be aware, however, that many times, same-sex attracted students’ gifts will not match the gender-stereotyped norms of the culture in which they live. This is more than okay. The question is: what gifts has God given them, and how can they, in turn, use them for His glory?
It’s a blessing when any student approaches a student minister for help, and it is our privilege to walk alongside them. Let’s commit to bringing the truth and mercy of Christ to our same-sex attracted students, to walk alongside them as we both move forward in the life-long process of discipleship.
(This blog has been re-posted from Harvest USA | harvestusa.org. Used with permission.)
When a family member—a spouse or a child—misbehaves or breaks your heart, the most natural reaction is to ask, “What did I do wrong?”
Wrong question entirely.
A therapist friend of mine, who has worked with thousands of couples in heartbreaking situations, always asks such people, “When God created the perfect world for Adam and Eve and even that wasn’t enough to keep them from sinning, do you think the Trinity asked, ‘Where did we go wrong?’”
When God blessed David, called him out of nowhere to make him a man of significance, put him on a throne, and David responded with adultery and murder, do you think God asked, “What could I have done differently?”
When Jesus lived as the perfect Messiah, giving Judas copious amounts of wondrous teaching, perfect counsel, and absolutely the best example anyone could ever demonstrate, and yet all that proved not to be enough for Judas, did Jesus ask, “What did I do wrong? Why did Judas stray?”
A near universal response for wives who find out their husbands have had affairs or been dabbling in porn—in fact, I’ve heard this from just about every wife I’ve talked to whose marriage has been marred by this—is, “What’s wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not creative enough in bed?”
Wives, it’s never about you. Sex can’t and shouldn’t be reduced to either spouse thinking they have to be more beautiful, younger, more creative, and better “mechanically” than anyone else in the world or their spouse might be unfaithful. Think about that line of thinking for just a second—that’s not marriage, that’s not real intimacy. It’s sick to even consider all that as necessary for a spouse to be faithful. It turns sex into an ugly performance instead of a cherishing act.
Thinking that we can be such good parents or such good spouses that our loved ones will never stray is to think we can “outdo” the Trinity. You cannot, as a parent, create a perfect Garden of Eden experience for your kids, but even if you did, they’d mess it up. You cannot, as a partner, be a truer companion than Jesus, but even if you were, you’d face betrayal.
There may be a time, later, when you reflect on what you could have done better, as a parent or a spouse. We can all improve, and the Bible urges us to grow in every area. But that’s different than thinking you can be such a good parent or such a good spouse that your loved ones will never stumble. “We all stumble in many ways.” James 3:2
If anything, the real answer to “What did I do wrong?” is, “You were born in sin and you live in a world where every family member has been born in sin.”
God’s remedy to this isn’t you, it’s Jesus. His grace, his forgiveness, his wisdom, his power, his redemption—that’s the ultimate solution. As much as we’d like to be, we’re not the answer; Jesus is.
So let’s stop wondering, “What did I do wrong?” and start asking, “How can surrendering to Jesus’ grace and presence help us find our way back?”
(This blog has been re-posted from Gary Thomas’s blog. Used with permission.)
I have often heard it said by pastors, pastoral counselors, therapists, and everyday people that a couple is “in a dead marriage.”
Affection in Marriage
Marriage is a covenant or an agreement, a contract between a man and a woman originally established by God. The Bible says of marriage: “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.” (1 Cor. 7:3)
Many in my care over the years have read this verse and seen only the physical aspect of the word “affection”. But in my understanding it’s more than just about sex: It’s also about true love and devotion to one another, under God!
Philippians 2:1-5 focuses on relationships in general (not just marriage), but can still be applied to marriages: Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus.
This passage teaches us the “unconditional love” concept that counters the selfish, self-centered, “what’s in it for me?” approach to marriage that can kill the physical as well as the spiritual devotion necessary for oneness. This unconditional love also wrecks the mindset that withholds loving the other person until they know what they will get back from the other partner. Instead, the cross of Christ is given as the example of how we love each other.
A Dead Marriage
Unfortunately, this Biblical plan doesn’t always play itself out in marriages.
Most surveys, including one in 2012 by the CDC, puts the divorce rate in America for first marriages between 40-50%. This tends to be true for Christians and non-Christians alike.
I wonder how many folks really didn’t fully understand the concept of Christ-like sacrifice and selflessness was what they were signing on for in marriage, the huge reality of the life-long commitment they were agreeing to. Maybe after finding out how much commitment was needed, they were not truly willing to do as they promised. I want to be clear I’m not just talking in the physical sense, e.g., sexuality, but also the responsibility to love and care and nurture one another in every way. In our marriages, do we care for each other, about each other, love each other?
Breathing Life into Marriages
The Apostle Paul clearly recognized that living souls are in need of true love and care. I believe he was alluding to various Old Testament statues (such as Exodus 21:7-11) when he wrote 1 Corinthians 7:5: Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Paul was answering questions about sexual relations in a godly marriage between husband and wife in the above passage. And while sexual relations are important to a healthy marriage, the bigger problem I find today is the condition of the heart of one living soul and their ability or reluctance to truly love their spouse. The Bible addresses this in 1 Peter 3:7-9:
Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing.
In marriage, you cannot have a vibrant physical relationship described in 1 Cor 7 and “be of one mind, having compassion for one another…as brothers [and sisters]” without having person-to-person oneness. The unconditional love taught in Philippians 2:1-5 kills the selfish, self-centered approach to marriage so that oneness can occur. So it comes down to truth, God’s love through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit and with “one mind, having compassion one for another” we do the work which at times seems difficult and we do it out of love and for the life of our marriages.
Dr. Tom Miller, C.Ph.D.
Counselor, Day Seven Ministries
[Editor’s note: This article was originally posted at the end of November at www.cpyu.org. While Matt Lauer is no longer at the top of our news feeds, hardly a day goes by without another well-known individual being called out for sexual misconduct. These are points worth reflecting on regardless of the specific name in the headlines.]
Trending. . . Matt Lauer. . . at number one on my news feed. As of this morning, one of the voices that’s been sharing the growing cascade of #metoo stories over the last few weeks is now the subject of those stories himself. I watched as visibly rattled co-workers Savannah Guthrie and Hoda Kotb explained Lauer’s absence on this morning’s Today Show.
How did you react when you heard the story? What thoughts went through your mind?
At times like this, I’ve learned that it might actually be a wiser move to focus on my own thoughts/reaction than on the story and its subject. And I’m not at all proud of the fact that the learning curve on this skill took much more time for me than it should have. And, I’m still tempted to default to focus on guys like Matt Lauer than on myself. That’s a blatant confession.
Upon seeing the news pop up in my feed this morning, I experienced a bit of jolt. Matt Lauer??? Come on. But that jolt very quickly morphed into the thought of “sad but not surprised” . . . a consequence of years and years of watching culture, pondering the reality of human depravity, and looking more deeply into my own broken and messed-up heart. This isn’t the last one of these stories we’re going to hear. . . not at all.
What is that you do with news like this? I think that there’s great value in self-evaluating how each of us evaluates and responds to these kinds of stories. In other words, before getting on with the rest of our day, it’s a good thing to theologize about, to learn from, and to think about how to process these stories with our own selves and with the kids we know and love.
I’ve been working on doing that this morning. In fact, I’ve put other tasks aside for the simple reason that my mind’s been racing. Here are some of my initial, typically-incomplete, and hopefully-helpful thoughts. . .
First, if your initial reaction is a smug, self-assured, disapproving finger wag in the direction of Matt Lauer and others like him. . . well, that’s quite telling. I’m ashamed to admit that in years past I was more prone to head immediately down this Pharisaical avenue than I am now. . . I hope. It’s easy to default into self-righteous finger-wagging when the subject of the story is someone who doesn’t share your views on faith and life, and who is one who sometimes pushes back hard on your views of faith and life. Let’s be honest here. . . if you’re a person of Christian faith you are tempted and even beyond tempted to rejoice in the downfall of folks who think, believe, and behave differently. But when that happens, we really aren’t thinking, believing, and behaving differently. Our actions prove that. Nor are we bringing honor and glory to the One who saved us when we had absolutely no hope at all of saving ourselves.
Second, if you politicize this and other stories like it, then you are making a horrible, horrible mistake.The reality is that this isn’t a political issue. It’s a human nature issue. It’s not an issue for either just conservatives or liberals. It’s evidence of a universal struggle. Sexual brokenness, temptation, and sin in thought, word, and deed is no respecter of persons, faith commitments, or political views. Whenever someone uses the issue as political or ideological ammo. . . no matter who they are. . . well shame on them. And shame on me if I cave into that temptation.
Third, this is a time to remember this rock-solid truth: “There but for the grace of God go I.” While my own human depravity should never be used as an excuse to write-off or justify the sin of others (or God-forbid, my own sin), I must also never forget that if I’m honest with myself, “there but for the grace of God go I.” And while I must reckon with the ever-present enemy of my own depravity and the one who “prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour,” I must always “stay alert” and watching out for this enemy who would love nothing more than to take me down. And, we all need to be reminded that even he might not be successful in taking us down through sexual sin, any self-righteous gloating over the fact is an indicator that he is very sneaky in other ways. . . like taking us down through pride.
And finally, today’s story and others like it offer us great opportunities to teach our kids in ways that will equip them for a sober-minded life which makes them continually aware of the enemy within. It was timely that even before seeing the story on Matt Lauer this morning, I prayed these words from today’s entry in Scotty Smith’s Everyday Prayers book: “Protect us from the evil one, and rescue us from ourselves.”
One good sin never deserves another. That’s why we need to spend so much time looking inward at ourselves. Today’s story is not one that should teach us about Matt Lauer. Why? Because in so many ways Matt Lauer is each one of us. Because of that, this is an opportunity to learn even more about ourselves and to teach our kids the increasingly-forgotten skill of doing the same.
Article by Walt Mueller, founder and President of the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding. Learn more at www.cpyu.org.
With the new year often comes reflection on the past, and resolutions for moving forward. But when the past is full of pain and brokenness, it can be difficult to hope for any change in the future:
“For many of us, pervasive, day in and day out brokenness has turned our youthful boast that “nothing is impossible with God” into a weary “nothing is ever going to change.” You might not voice it out loud, but you’ve come to expect that God will not answer prayer, much less “rend the heavens and come down” (Isaiah 64:1), and that brokenness will dominate your life’s headlines until your obituary takes its place.
It might be a broken country, where terrorists’ bombs explode every attempt at systemic development. Or a broken marriage, where mistrust has evicted tenderness from the home. Or a broken ministry, where the word seems to land only on the path with the birds. Or perhaps just a broken soul, where darkness has extinguished the last shreds of light.
In the wreckage of that kind of brokenness, we feel entirely justified as we adopt a hopeless view of our life. We might even call our hopelessness realism….”
Read the full article by Scott Hubbard at https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/begin-to-hope-again